- A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
- When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Pests and Disease
- A biology student did an experiment on a grasshopper. If its legs were taken off what would happen?
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled "hop!", and the grasshopper hopped.
Then he took another leg and yelled "hop!" and the grasshopper hopped.
Then he took all of its legs and yelled "hop!" but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.
So he concluded that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.
He was right! Long-horned grasshoppers and crickets have ears in the knee-joints of their front legs.
(Kiwicare does not advocate removal of grasshopper legs)
- Two caterpillars are watching a chrysalis. When it bursts open and a beautiful butterfly emerges and stretches its wings before flying away. One caterpillar turns to the other and says, “You’ll never get me up in one of those things.”
- Who do you see if you have butterflies in your stomach?
- I'm a gardener and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing,
and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden,
With dirt and plants and bugs.
- What goes "zzub zzub?"
A bee flying backwards.
- Why did the centipede not play 'til the second half in the insect soccer match?
Because it it took that long to get his boots on.
The millipede didn't play until the final.
- A rabbit walks into a bar and orders a beer.
When the beer comes, he raises the glass and says "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears!"
"Why the long eeeears?" asks the girl behind the bar.
- A fungus walks into a Glasgow bar. The barman says "Sorry, you'll have to leave."
"Why?" says the fungus.
The barman replies "Because there's no mushroom."
- At a marriage guidance session, the instructor asks the husbands to name their wives favourite flower.
A husband leans over to his wife and whispers "It's self-raising, isn't it?"
- Why did the gardener need a puncture repair kit?
Because his garden had sprung a leek.
- A woman goes for a job picking citrus. The farmer is surprised at the woman's CV.
"You seem a bit overqualified" He says "I see you have a PhD! Have you ever picked lemons before?"
"Yes." She replies. "I've had three husbands and I bought a BMW last year."
- A man walks into an Auckland bar. The barman asks, "Have you had a good summer?"
The man replies "Yes. We had a barbecue that afternoon."
- Why did the tomato go out with a plum?
Because he couldn't find a date.
- Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.
- Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
- Why do potatoes make good lookouts?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
- God made rainy days so the gardeners can get the housework done.
If you know any funny and inoffensive garden or gardening jokes and would like to share them, send them to email@example.com.