- What do you call an uneducated ant?
- What is the world's largest ant?
- How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
- What is smaller than an ant's mouth?
An ant’s dinner.
- Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Bed Bugs and Fleas
- Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She gave birth in the spring.
- A man tells a friend: “I still can’t get rid of these bed bugs. I’m so tired of being bitten every day. They live in my old sofa in the living room”.
“Get rid of the sofa then.” Suggested his friend.
The guy replied:” Well, I threw out my sofa several times, but the bed bugs keep bringing it back”.
- Did you hear about the dog that went to the flea circus?
He stole the show.
- What is the difference between someone waiting to go on holiday and a someone returning home to a flea ridden house?
One's itching to go and the other's going to itch.
- Why is a train like a bed bug?
It runs over sleepers.
- A bed bug walks into a bar and asks for 2 blood lites!
- How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
- A bed bug walks into the tearoom and says, "Is it chai?"
- Why did the flea fail his exams? He wasn’t up to scratch!
- Shortest ever poem about fleas.
- A bed bug walks into a bar and coughs to get the barman's attention. The barman turns and says, "I'd heard there was a nasty bug going around."
- The flea said to his girlfriend.
"Let's go out for a bite."
- Why are fleas, bed bugs and mosquitoes all so easily fooled?
Because they are born suckers.
- A termite walks into a bar. The barman says, “We don't serve druggies like you here.”
Shocked, the termite replies 'What do you mean? I'm not a druggie.'
The barman says, “What about the bar-bit-u-ate?”
- What did the borer larvae say when he walked into the bar?
"Is the bar tender here?"
- A borer beetle walks into a bar.
The bar says to the bartender. "I'm bored."
- Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
- What did the lab rat say to his mate?
"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I ring the bell, she brings me a snack."
- Where do rodents store their food?
In mouse stashes.
- A pest controller walks into an antique store spies a large brass rat. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the counter.
"Interested in the rat, eh?" says the cashier.
"Um, yes ... how much?" asks the customer.
"Well, five dollars for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story that goes with it" he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. After a while he notices that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more steps and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually thousands of rats following him.
Afraid, the man runs to the sea and throws the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The man runs back to the antique store. The cashier was still chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"
- What do you get if you try to cross a rat with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the rat!
- Three rats are sitting at the bar bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I gnawed it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to beat up the cat."
- Did you hear about the dyslexic rats?
Each thought they were a star.
- Who is the king rat in Rome?
- A mouse walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you got any cheese?"
"No" says the barman.
"Got any cheese?" Repeats the mouse.
"No, I have no cheese" says the barman.
The mouse: "Got any cheese?"
Barman: "NO. Are you deaf? I said I have NOT got any cheese."
"Got any cheese?"
"I am cheesed of with you! But I have no cheese and if you don't stop asking me if I've got cheese, I'll nail you to the bar."
"Got any nails?"
"Got any cheese?"
- What is the difference between rats and mice?
The difference is in their size or the size of their incisors.
- A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Are you swatting any?" she asked.
"Yes, three males and two females," he replied.
Puzzled, she asked, "How can you tell which are male and which are female?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
- What should you do when a midge lands on your pepperoni?
Give it a pizza your mind.
- "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup."
"Sorry Sir. I must have missed that one."
- What has two wheels and flies?
A rubbish bin.
- Why were the flies playing soccer in the saucer?
They were playing for the cup!
- Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana.
- What is a mouse's favourite game?
Hide and squeak.
- Why do flies follow garbage trucks?
Because they like fast food.
- Why are mosquitoes unlucky in love?
Because they always love in vein.
- What do you do with a sick wasp?
Take it to a waspital!
- What kind of doctors are like spiders?
- Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her.
- What do you call a big Irish spider?
Paddy Long Legs.
- "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one roach to his mate. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so hygienic that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach. "Not while I'm eating!"
If you know any other, funny and inoffensive jokes about pests or pest control and would like to share them, please send them to email@example.com.